Living without him Published Jan. 11, 2007 By Ashley Coomes 319th Air Refueling Wing Public Affairs GRAND FORKS AFB, ND -- In one house, a mother reads a card from her deployed husband, while their children sit next to her, wondering when Daddy will return. In another house, a woman says good-bye to her husband, wondering if this is the last time she will see him, as he is deploying to an undisclosed location in Southwest Asia. The life for spouses of deployed military members is filled with stress, loneliness and worry; however, those spouses find strength in one another. "I have three kids; 6, 4 and 2-years-old. Single parenting is one of the biggest challenges. I depend on my friends and family to have adult conversations," said Virginia Neubert, whose spouse is deployed from the 319th Security Forces Squadron. Virginia uses programs on base to help her cope with the absence of her husband, such the Phoenix Spouse Program and the Give Parents a Break program. The Phoenix Spouses Group helps many families of deployed spouses. They keep in touch with the families and help them with processes, like using Tricare or making sure they are prepared for winter. The Give Parents a Break program offers spouses of a deployed member free day care to give them some free time away from their children to relax. Virginia says this time is crucial so she can have adult time with friends and family. Some programs, like the Escape Zone, allow Virginia to spend time with her children. "The Escape Zone gets the family out of the house to interact with other families," she said. Also, Virginia says the leadership in the squadron make her feel welcomed because they have an open door policy. "I feel I can call either the first sergeant or the commander and ask for anything I need," she said. "They are very supportive and understand the stresses of deployments on spouses." In other squadrons, spouses find support from each other. Klara Murray, whose husband was deployed from the 906th Air Refueling Squadron, is involved in the Foreign Born Spouses Group and the 906th Spouses Group. "Being involved with the groups gets me out of the house and keeps me active," said Klara. "It keeps me from counting the days until he gets home." Klara meets with the groups weekly for some sort of activity, whether learning how to use Tricare or having a Christmas party. She also volunteers at the Family Support Center. "The spouses group gives me good information. My husband deployed in September and this is my first winter in North Dakota. At one of the meetings, we learned how to prepare our car for winter," she added. The challenges of deployments do not end when the member comes home. The daily routine of who picks the kids up from school to who's in charge of paying the bills has to be reconsidered. "My girlfriends and I talk about the honeymoon stage when the husband returns," said Virginia. "When he returns, you feel that hole in your heart filled by your companion." A lot of stress can be caused by a one-person household reverting back to a two-person household. "You have to relinquish some of the power. It's hard to put someone's decisions back into the puzzle," said Virginia. "As a spouse of a military member, you know the situation. As soon as you get used to having them home, they deploy again," said Klara. Klara and Virginia know that if their husbands deploy again, there are groups of spouses who are going through the same thing.